(non-)sex, blogs, and alcohol.

As what my ex often says, sometimes my social circles just go all Venn diagram on me.

: pandaemoneon; September 23rd, 2010

When I met the guy near Market Market, I wondered if I got myself into an odd coincidence. While we were walking towards his place, the feeling of deja vu grew stronger. He made a turn to the street that I knew he would be heading to. In my mind, I was beginning to laugh my head off.

Sometimes, you could sense it if the Universe was pulling you into a gag; but curiosity trumps intuition, and you recklessly plunge ahead. The phrase "oh, what the heck" probably is one of the top causes of injuries and humiliation, but there you go.

I was thinking: maybe he's not going to enter that yellow gate. But no, he did. And then I thought: so it's the same compound, maybe he lives in a different unit. Oh, damn.

Let me put it this way: Let's label three guys -- A, B and C.

I met and slept with A.

After some time, I met and slept with B, who coincidentally was A's flatmate. As it's often the case of awkward situations in casual meet ups like that, me and A pretended not to know each other. So B doesn't know I slept with A.

C (the guy I just met) is also a flatmate of A and B. When we got into their flat, one of their other flatmates (whom I haven't slept with, ha-ha) seemed to have recognized me. When I got inside C's bedroom, I burst out laughing and told him I've been in that place before, because of B.

So C knows I've slept with B; but B doesn't know I met and eventually slept with C.

A and C both don't know I slept with both of them.

By the way, I slept with all three of them in that same bedroom. But that's just appropriate for this string of coincidences, don't you think?

To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists.

: pandaemoneon; September 11th, 2010

People die everyday, and for the most part we are oblivious to that basic fact unless the people who die are close to us. When that happens, a little piece of us goes away too: that part that was occupied by that person, and we are only too aware of their absence.

And sometimes, it feels like too many people are dying. Unless there was a global epidemic or major cataclysm, that probably isn't true. There might coincidentally be several people we know who left us one after the other, and the collective gravity of the loss colors our view of the world.

The other day I went to see this woman for a card reading, and she told me she came from a funeral that morning. So we talked about recent deaths.

I told her about a friend's mother. For almost a year, she was catatonic after a serious asthma attack last year that lead to a cardiac arrest. I saw her months ago and it broke my heart.

High school was spent going to my friend's house on some afternoons and his mother would always be there, joking with her son's friends. She had a earthy laugh that rings around the house. We never lost touch when us kids entered college, and after several years I became godfather to some of her grandkids.

Seeing her in bed without awareness to the people around her, without that vitality that was her defining characteristic, it was like looking at a husk of a person. It was like looking at someone else who shared her face. I thought, this was not the 'tita' I knew; she was always so full of life.

She finally passed away earlier this week. My friend told me of her last few days when I passed by her wake. Knowing what the family went through, the suffering each one endured, I said her passing is more of a relief. Her sister, my friend's aunt, saw me and remarked how her sister had been like a second mom to us. I said yes without hesitation. In some wakes, I just go out of sympathy for the family who was left behind; one of whom happened to be a friend. With her, it was paying respect to a person I knew when she was still alive.

She will be laid to rest later and I plan to go to the funeral after work so I could say good-bye.

I still think of my friend whose passing I learned more than a month later. I've never removed his number from my phone and I pause every time I see it. I'm being sentimental, I know; that number has no use now. But it's a reminder of my friend when he was still alive.

I fear mortality.

And I feel sad when I see friends post about the passing of people they love. It's a heavy burden left to the living: remembering the person when they were alive. But it's also very touching. It's proof of a well-lived life when the people you leave behind remembers you fondly.

'After all; it's the chasing after him that I really love.' RIP, Satoshi Kon.

: pandaemoneon; August 25th, 2010

Satoshi Kon
October 12, 1963 - August 23, 2010

Creator of several critically-acclaimed and visually stunning anime movies, such as Perfect Blue, Millennium Actress and Tokyo Godfathers, Satoshi Kon passed away the other day reportedly from cancer. At first the news passed as a series of Twitter rumors that unfortunately turned out to be true.

He was one of the most brilliant modern Japanese animators and his movies had often been a source of jaw-dropping awe. After Miyazaki, he is probably my next favorite Japanese animator. One of my favorite memories is watching Millennium Actress with my then-boyfriend: He later admitted that was on the verge of tears and wanted to hold my hand while watching some of the emotional scenes.

Rest in peace, Satoshi Kon.

The taste of lychee is no longer that sweet to me.

: pandaemoneon; August 11th, 2010

One problem with getting too fond of someone is when I start building associations between the person and objects that were otherwise plain and ordinary, but made a little more special because of attached memories of him, the object of affection. Like the smell of the place where we first met, or a storefront where we both sat on, or a drink we shared while laughing over a joke.

Coffee used to be just coffee, some drink that I have no particular care for. And cigarette smoke was something I mildly disapproved of, the way it stuck to my clothes and hair. The flavor of a fruit, a particular scent, the melody of a song -- all of those things are now marked and owned by someone.

And attached memories could linger for a long time. They could stay awfully quiet -- dormant until that unexpected moment when one springs up, triggering an avalanche of recollections. By then, 'crushed' will be a very apt adjective: when the heart implodes from the weight of nostalgia.

Unfortunately, I am a pack-rat for memories. It hurts a bit who made those little things memorable is no longer there.

I wish he'd tell me he was dumping me so we could have this affair done and over with. Even then, his shadow will still be in my mind, casting its gloom over my senses.

So maybe this is the end of it. I wish it will also stop here and now.

Good bye, Pio Fuentes: my favorite house guest and sarcastic verbal sparring partner.

: pandaemoneon; July 26th, 2010

This morning, I spammed several friends my usual 'good morning' group message; some friends replied 'good morning' back to me. From another friend's number, I got a reply asking who I was since the phone's contact list was purged; the person who replied said she was my friend's mom. So I replied, "This is Jade, Pio's friend."

She responded: "Hi jade! Pio passed away last june 9 lets pray for him n have fond memories of him tnx"

It took a few seconds for that to sink in. That was 2 days after my birthday. I tried to remember when was the last time I saw Pio -- 3 months ago? He works 2 buildings from where I work but we don't often bump into each other except on those times I'd go down for lunch coinciding with his yosi break.

I can't remember when was the last time I received a text reply from him. Maybe it was one of those casual text messages that I've since erased from my inbox. And now I couldn't stand the thought of removing his number from my phonebook, even though I know I will never be using that number again.

We met through another friend. For some time he became a frequent visitor to the Chairless Apartment. We've slept together a few times, although we never became lovers. We used to look at other building tenants and make up stories of those people, laughing at our sarcastic jokes. We still kept in tough every now and then, even after he stopped dropping by the apartment. Eventually, I also moved out.

I saw him once near El Pueblo: he was on his way home while I was on my way to work. We found out that we were working in the same area. Some time after that, we found out we were working in the same street, with just a building in between our offices.

He was one of the people who shares my frequent sarcasm and condescension towards other people. I wouldn't have to be a goody-two-shoes when we're together, while we trade caustic insults against each other or towards other people. Well, mostly towards other people. He was always a welcome house guest; he would always help me clean up the place, especially when I'm too lazy to do it alone.

His mother said he died in his sleep without mentioning other illnesses. It seems he passed away gently and without pain. I hope that's true. I wish I'd known of his passing sooner, so I could've gone to his wake and said good bye. His mom said that's alright, at least I would remember Pio as I've known him when he was alive.

I'm going to miss you, Pio Fuentes. Rest in peace, brother-sister-friend.

Getting lost after a so-so quickie.

: pandaemoneon; April 25th, 2010

The guy was typical among guys who (whom?) I met for sex: he can't manage to give detailed and logical directions to his place. It annoys me when people describe directions as if the recipient intuitively knows which direction to pick when faced by an unfamiliar intersection.

He lives in a neighborhood called Teacher's Compound. I always thought it was meant to be a housing project for public school teachers since it's located behind two public schools and a university. What it is, though, is a maze of narrow alleys sloping up and down a hill.

Some of those alleys were in fact part of some families' properties, such as small gaps separating the main house from the outdoor kitchen or what's left of the place where someone parks his motorcycle in front of his front door. On my way out, I had to ask for directions at least twice, but encountered more of those people who believe that a shrug of the shoulders vaguely towards some street behind them is all the directions anyone ever needed.

I did manage to get out of that maze, eventually, after a series of guesses, hoping that the alley I took will not turn out to be a dead-end. I got out of the area into a street that was different from the place where I entered.

The quickie itself (another surprise threesome) was unremarkable and isn't worth more than one sentence.

Para sa mga beki: Top 10 tips kung paano magpa-men.

: pandaemoneon; March 13th, 2010

10. Magpa-borta ng katawan. Para hard.

9. Wag masyadong high-fashion ang damit. T-shirt, jeans o chinos at sneakers lang, ayos na. Bawal din yung mga fashionistang bag. Dapat gym bag o back pack lang.

8. Wag makapal magpulbo. Sa T-zone (forehead, nose, chin) at leeg lang dapat.

7. Wag mag-foundation, concealer, lipgloss, liptick, eyeliner at blush-on.

6. Iwasan at pagkanta ng mga songs nila Regine, Mariah, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Celine, Madonna, Beyonce, PCD, etc. Mag-shift sa rock, alternative at boyband songs.

5. Relax lang dapat ang lakad. Okay rin kung medyo siga. Wala ka sa catwalk.

4. Kapag may tumawag sayo ng Sis, Girl, Bex, Beki, Bading, Bakla, Mader, Mudra, etc., WAG KANG LILINGON.

3. Bawal mag-pout.

2. Bawal bumeso.

1. Bawal tumili.

a recap of 2009: those things that i do that qualifies as work.

: pandaemoneon; December 31st, 2009

01.
january found me in that sweet spot at work where i'm halfway between agents and middle management. by the middle of the year, major changes in the job quickly moved me from being the junior member of my team to senior member: a quick succession of responsibilities that often meant longer work hours, extra duties, and exclusive logins.

june also saw me moving away completely from makati (at least for a few months): living in mandaluyong and working in pasig. for the longest time, i've avoided working in ortigas because i couldn't stand its traffic jams and relative inaccessibility of the center for commuters (though not as bad as eastwood). it's funny that i still ended up here.

02.
midyear came one of the senior engineers we have from the US. i picked him up from the airport when he told me his date of arrival, and even introduced him to a local beer that first night he arrived here. he stayed for nearly a month, and although we were not able to talk much while he was here, those times we did were always interesting.

the guy has lived a colorful life: he joined the navy, played in several bands (and is well known among some circles in the american rock scene), made guitars, rode and fixed harleys, studied photography, raised animals and saw the development of the internet. and he never even finished college.

hearing him tell of bits and pieces of his life, one can't help but be awed. as for myself, i wish i could say i have had that much experience as he acquired when i reach fifty.

03.
also this year, i acquired a website. it started with an offer to host it which coincided with the previous owner deciding to give up on administering the site. "do you want to keep the site?" he asked me; and before i could give a definite answer, the site was mine.

i wanted to keep things in a low profile. as much as possible, i do not wish for people to recognize me as the new site owner; but before i could i have word sent to close friends from that site to keep things hush-hush, news had already leaked and i acquired a new online moniker.

moderating a huge site is tiring (to say the least): one often has to go through messy (and often petty) squabbles between gay men who wouldn't back down. it was a crash course on the difference between human interactions in cyber and meatspace. it also gave me a better perspective of the many crazy things people would do online, in order to get attention and popularity. some of those actions are downright disgusting, to tell you the truth.

several times, we had to bring down the site due to various technical reasons. in the end, working with a site with an unwieldy database and monstrous server load consumption (not to mention how financially draining it was for me in the end), i decided on a hiatus. upgrade the site software, revise the forum rules, start afresh.

a few people asked me why i chose to keep that site, despite everything. mostly i'd give a shrug or a vague answer. the real answer would be rooted on me often being a skeptic and cynic; there are few things that i believe in, outside what is realistically measured and counted.

but i thought the website was promising, like an unusual child that refuses to play with other kids, reading books by himself in a corner. that's not really a metaphor since i tend to have a low opinion of the collective IQ of the local gay population (years of working for tech support added to that cynicism), but still. i'd like to look back to my life and know that i did something worthwhile.

i know "friending" someone online doesn't necessarily mean you're friends in real life...

: pandaemoneon; December 30th, 2009

...but what does one do if one receives a friend request from a person one actually despises?

in the true sense of the word, there are only very few people i really despise. i mildly dislike a lot of people and there are those whom i actively avoid, but only 10 or so people could ruin my happy mood just by the mere mention of their name.

let's call one of them the girl who owes me a lot of money. i wrote about her a few years back; she caused a lot of aggravation among several people from my high school batch, which is well known among the rest of the batch. she never paid me back, until now, and even contacted me again months later to borrow more money.

when i went swimming with some classmates a few months ago, her name was mentioned again as well as that incident she started. of course everyone who knew about it looked at me to see my reaction. i told them we better talk about other things instead.

it seems that the girl who owes me a lot of money now has a facebook account, and she decided to friend me. that she had the gall to think that i am interested to be friends with her (either online or IRL) after what she did, surprises me.

i think i shall refer to him now as astroboy.

: pandaemoneon; December 27th, 2009

the kid sent me a text message: pwede ba maging tayo? (could we be a couple?)

let's step back a bit: we started as textmates and i invited him over the chairless apartment. he's 20 but looked like a high school kid, partly because he's a bit on the short side and skinny. one could say he's cute, in a little-kid-with-a-perpetual-grin kind of way. on one of his visits, i decided to give him some of my now too-small shirts, including the white astroboy shirt i so loved but only wore once because it wouldn't fit me. i told him it was love at first sight when i saw that shirt; but me and that shirt, alas, were not meant for each other.

and, well, he has slept over in my room. a couple of times. and afterwards, i would cook something for us to eat and he would always eat what i serve with much appreciation. one couldn't get a better and more sincere compliment for one's cooking.

but i couldn't see him as a boyfriend. at most he's like a little brother (a comparison that is both wrong on some levels and familiar, as coming from someone else) and so i answered his question with a no. and i felt like a horrible person dumping a really nice guy.

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pandaemoneon

(non-)sex, blogs, and alcohol.

no, this is not about somebody's life.